Editor’s Note: Rae’s story was first published in Issue One. Trigger warning for violence, rape, and drug use.
What comes up must come down and by God you find yourself crashing, crashing, crashing down until you plummet face first into your darkest of night terrors and there’s no escape here because in a sick twist of events you find yourself caged inside your own head with your thoughts your only company, your only shining beacon of hope transformed into something so hideous it blinds you so you wander, painstaking footstep after footstep never sure just what you’re headed towards because this path you’ve found yourself on certainly doesn’t feel like clarity but rather a miserable wading pool of all your wrong doings and there’s only the churning shouts of your lifelong regrets cutting through the calm water leaving you to feel like Calamity Jane in this plight you’ve found yourself in but next thing you know you’re already in your car doors slammed tight eyes squeezed shut trying to block out the feel of his fingertips on your skin closing around your neck as you gasp for air waking up from the first safe slumber you can recall in months but there he is in your bed slamming into you until you look him in the eyes and beg him please please please stop it hurts you hurt you grit your teeth and some morbid smile fleets across his impassive face as he finally wipes you from himself like you’re the dirty thing and tears are screaming behind pride now as your foot taps the accelerator pushing miles between you and these memories you aren’t sure ever existed because wasn’t it you who downed the bottle of vodka then jack then chased poison with wine pleading for attention and wasn’t it you who got what you wanted just not how you’d assumed and wasn’t it you speeding to your dealer for your latest fix to bury back down these snippets of memories of a time when you were most ashamed of yourself because you were so fucked up on booze and pills you can’t tell the difference between consent and rape and for months after you finally heeded your own warning flares you still put yourself under his shoe and you still told him first there’s blood there’s blood everywhere oh my god when the boy who pulled the blade out of your exposed tendons was in the room below waiting to save you so you drive a little faster and you clutch that thirty a little tighter in your fist because in ten minutes or less it will morph into salvation and you will remember what it is like to breathe again without the whisper of him call you worthless crawling at the nape of your neck but what comes up must come down and I promise you, I swear to you on the my dying breath, you won’t forget for long the shame in your step or the piece of your puzzle he stole from you and that little white pill will never make you whole again. You were someone before him, he was not the period at the end of your sentence.
Rae Wilson is a 21-year-old South Carolina transient looking for the pieces of herself she seems to have misplaced over the years. Until then, the rest can wait.